At the end of the summer, I realized that this past summer was definitely tied for the best summer I’ve experienced so far in my existence (the other contender is the summer between junior and senior year of high school. Shout out to The Gals). Coming off such a great summer, I was anxious to begin another school year, learn tons of new stuff, see my friends again, and probably make some new ones. After feeling so free and full of inspiration and life over the summer, I’ve found myself not feeling that same bit of magic since school has started.
Since I’m a junior now, all of my classes relate to my major and minors, meaning I’m in all English and art classes. That sounds so prime, right? Well, for some reason it’s not as fulfilling as I anticipated. Although I’m enjoying creating and reading in all of my classes, I’ve realized that for the first time that I can recall, school isn’t the main thing I want to focus my energy on. After being at school for part of the summer, working a little and having time to spend hours in a coffee shop writing (I’m not an asshole, I swear), or spend the afternoon sitting on my front porch sketching, I kind of wish I had that same bit of time to freely create and do things that make my soul happy. School certainly does make my soul happy, but I suppose I got too used to being more in control of my time.
|The Gals, this summer|
I write and edit for a beautiful online magazine called the Lala, and that is quickly becoming something I wish I could spend more time with. I’ve also done several commissioned art projects over the past few months, and I wish I could spend more time on those, rather than squeezing them in between school things. Even outside of creating things on my own time, I crave more time to create and sustain relationships with others. I live with two of my best friends in a small room in my sorority house, yet there have been several times throughout this semester where we’ve gone days without seeing one another because we’re all so busy. Outside of that friendship, I have other relationships that I wish I had more time for as well. It’s just a strange place to be mentally, where I know that all of the people and opportunities I have are because of me being at school, yet I wish I didn’t have school to distract me from these people and opportunities.
This feels a bit like I’m coming across saying I’m not enjoying school, and that’s not the case. I can’t properly articulate how I feel. I guess I’m just lazy and wish I didn’t have things to do all the time. I feel like school is something I have to do, rather than something I’m excited for. I still get excited about school, but not as consistently as I have in the past. I think it’s because I’m straddling the idea of being a student and being in the so-called “Butler Bubble,” and wanting to break out of this bubble and do things “in real life” that I want to do.
I know next year as a senior when “real life” is quickly approaching, I’ll crave more time in the bubble, but this is how I feel now. I’ve concluded that just because I feel differently about school and my focuses are changing, that doesn’t mean that’s not okay. I still love learning. I still enjoy all my classes. I’m still creating things and improving my creative skills because of my peers and professors. I just would like the space to apply these things to projects outside of school.
Do you feel the same way? Stuck in a rut between doing school things and wanting to do outside of school things? Not sure? Think about it. Self-reflection is fun.